Recalling significant relationships often brings to mind a vibrant period where each day brimmed with untapped potential. This feeling is akin to a rebirth, offering a fresh perspective on oneself and the surrounding world. Such a profound transformation, while exhilarating, can also be unsettling.
This is not merely a sentimental notion. A substantial amount of psychological research indicates that our most meaningful connections, whether platonic or romantic, are defined by a powerful sense of growth. We are drawn to individuals who broaden our perspectives and facilitate our development into better versions of ourselves. Sustaining love, therefore, necessitates a continuous effort to foster this ongoing development.
This concept, identified as self-expansion theory, originated with Arthur and Elaine Aron, a research duo from Stony Brook University in New York. They first put forth this idea in 1986. During the mid-1990s, they posed a simple yet telling question to students: “Who are you today?” The students were encouraged to respond with as many descriptive words or phrases as possible. It was observed that many students initiated relationships during the study period. When this occurred, their self-descriptions significantly diversified. Their understanding of themselves had literally expanded, as their partners revealed new facets of their personalities.
These shifts were also evident in structured psychological assessments. Students in developing relationships demonstrated an increase in self-esteem, reflecting a greater sense of self-worth, and enhanced self-efficacy, which measures an individual’s perception of their own capabilities.
Research into self-expansion has seen considerable acceleration in the last decade. Numerous studies have explored this concept across various demographics, including members of the LGBTQ+ community. In every instance, the experience of personal growth correlated with heightened passion, commitment, sexual desire for the partner, and overall relationship satisfaction.
This dynamic may even influence the duration of a couple’s relationship. While relationships can falter for many reasons, research by Brent Mattingly at Ursinus College in Pennsylvania and his colleagues suggests that young couples exhibiting higher levels of self-expansion at the study’s outset were less inclined to consider separation within the subsequent nine months. Conversely, other studies indicate that individuals experiencing low levels of self-expansion are more prone to contemplating infidelity.
The neurological impact of self-expansion has also been documented. A study conducted by researchers at Renmin University of China, published two years ago, observed increased neural synchrony between partners who reported greater self-expansion over a seven-month period. This suggests a literal alignment in their thought processes, indicating they were more likely to be on the same intellectual wavelength.
Fostering Mutual Growth as a Couple
Couples can actively cultivate self-expansion through several avenues. Engaging in conversations introduces each partner to novel ideas and perspectives on the world that might have previously gone unnoticed. Furthermore, mutual encouragement empowers individuals to tackle challenges that might have seemed insurmountable independently. For instance, the aspiration to write a novel or launch a startup might only be pursued due to a partner’s encouragement to follow one’s dreams.
As a couple’s lives become intertwined, they may begin to perceive themselves as a unified entity with shared resources. This often leads to a feeling where the partner’s talents, such as creativity, start to feel like one’s own. This phenomenon, known as the “inclusion of other in the self,” is another manifestation of self-expansion. If one partner is artistically inclined, the other might develop a heightened sense of creativity through mere association. Similarly, concerns about climate change expressed by one partner could foster greater environmental awareness in the other. Both individuals would then discover aspects of themselves that were previously less apparent.
Shared experiences also play a crucial role. As a couple, individuals might embark on new hobbies or travel to destinations they would not have explored prior to meeting. Each of these elements can contribute significantly to sustaining feelings of love and maintaining that connection over the long term.
Ensuring conversations are both profound and meaningful, for example, allows partners to gain deeper insights into each other and themselves. It is noteworthy that the Arons also developed the “36 questions to fall in love,” which gained widespread attention through a New York Times article. In their original research, participants were paired with strangers and given a series of discussion prompts designed to foster self-disclosure. These included questions such as:
- Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
- What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
- What is your most treasured memory?
Participants engaging in these dialogues reported feeling greater intimacy within an hour compared to those who engaged in superficial small talk. Even in established relationships, where this may seem more challenging, research indicates that individuals often overestimate their understanding of their closest partners. Taking the time to genuinely inquire about their current thoughts and feelings can lead to surprising discoveries.
Secondly, enhancing shared experiences by exploring new locations or trying novel activities can invigorate a relationship. A series of studies conducted by Cheryl Harasymchuk at Carleton University in Canada and her colleagues involved participants documenting their lives with their partners and their feelings towards them. Their findings indicated that the more engaging or unusual the dates were, the greater the feelings of self-expansion, closeness, and mutual sexual desire. The specific activity is less important than the novelty and the shared experience of stepping outside of comfort zones, whether it involves wine tasting, stargazing, or spelunking.
While much of the research has focused on the benefits of self-expansion in romantic relationships, similar advantages can be found in platonic friendships. A 2024 study by Emine Yücel at Selçuk University and Duygu Dincer at Istanbul Aydin University, both in Turkey, demonstrated that self-expansion can indeed enrich friendships. Some individuals may even prefer to pursue self-expansion independently. Broadening one’s self-perception and understanding of capabilities can be a rewarding experience in itself, regardless of whether a partner is involved.
Regardless of relationship status, embracing new opportunities can be a valuable pursuit, particularly around times like Valentine’s Day. While sharing such experiences with a loving partner enhances the journey, the opportunity for self-expansion does not depend on waiting for a romantic connection.